matt went out last night. bill and paula were so upset that they cancelled the check they had given us as a downpayment for the townhouse we were going to move into next week, and matt ended up missing the appointment with the owners to sign the lease anyways. i had to call sheila and tell her what happened and cancel everything. it fucked her over too, cause she was trying to vouch for us that we're responsible, good people. so much for that. and now we're still expected to be out of here by the 11th at the latest and we don't have anywhere to go. and not only that, but our landlords now have an appointment with other renters next week to come see this house, and we were supposed to have the yard cleaned today. i don't know what to do.
tomorrow i'll be packing and cleaning all day, then going to my mom's house. i really hate to, only because it's going to be such a huge change for zachary, and i'm scared how it's going to affect him. he's such an easy kid for most things, but completely taking him out of his own room, and away from his dad i know is going to affect him somehow. i don't know what else to do. i can't depend on matt anymore for anything, and i'm so miserable. hopefully living with my mom will only be a temporary situation, because i can't see myself living in a 2 bedroom townhouse with my mom, my brother, my aunt, and my 2 babies.
my plan is to move in with my mom. file for child support for zachary, and see if i can get anything from being pregnant too. i'm going to bust my ass with primerica, and try to save that money. then if i can guarantee myself a semi-steady income, i'll look into getting an apartment just for myself and my babies.
if matt can quit drinking and get lots of therapy and help, then maybe we can work it out and be together. but i can't force him to get help, it has to be something he chooses to do. if he wants me and our children, he'll do whatever it takes to keep us. i've already done more than i can to try and work things out with him and help him. now i have to choose my love for my children over my love for him, because they can't help the situation they've been put in, he can.
i'm just so scared. even with everything matt has put me through, i love him. i had his son, i'm pregnant with his daughter, i thought we'd get married and spend our lives together. i guess i'm just scared that he really doesn't give a shit about us, and by leaving i'm going to lose him forever. i know, that if he doesn't change, i don't need him anyways. but i'm scared. and what if i end up screwing up my kid's lives more than they would have been if i'd stayed? i always said i'd rather have my children come from a broken home than a miserable one. but look at me? my mom did everything she should and could have for me, and i still turned out pretty messed up. and it wasn't her fault at all, it's just something in me. what if, no matter what i do, zachary grows up to be like matt is? or hailey ends up going the same path with the same kind of guys as i did? just like any parent, i want my children to have a better life than i did, and make better choices.
i wish i just had a crystal ball to look in the future and make sure i am making the best decision for myself and my kids. that they will grow up with everything they want and need, physically and emotionally. that i can be with the man i love and that loves me and treats me right. and that everything will be okay...
You'll figure it out and find the best solutions you can and we'll be there to support you in any way we can. Each generation does get better and better, you just have to keep working on it. I think your plan is realistic and good, as much as it's going to hurt to do. I'm sorry about the new place falling through and the circumstances around it. Keep me posted and if/when I come back in December, I'll see what I can do to help grab more stuff if you need it.
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