i'm so scared

matt went out last night. bill and paula were so upset that they cancelled the check they had given us as a downpayment for the townhouse we were going to move into next week, and matt ended up missing the appointment with the owners to sign the lease anyways. i had to call sheila and tell her what happened and cancel everything. it fucked her over too, cause she was trying to vouch for us that we're responsible, good people. so much for that. and now we're still expected to be out of here by the 11th at the latest and we don't have anywhere to go. and not only that, but our landlords now have an appointment with other renters next week to come see this house, and we were supposed to have the yard cleaned today. i don't know what to do.

tomorrow i'll be packing and cleaning all day, then going to my mom's house. i really hate to, only because it's going to be such a huge change for zachary, and i'm scared how it's going to affect him. he's such an easy kid for most things, but completely taking him out of his own room, and away from his dad i know is going to affect him somehow. i don't know what else to do. i can't depend on matt anymore for anything, and i'm so miserable. hopefully living with my mom will only be a temporary situation, because i can't see myself living in a 2 bedroom townhouse with my mom, my brother, my aunt, and my 2 babies.

my plan is to move in with my mom. file for child support for zachary, and see if i can get anything from being pregnant too. i'm going to bust my ass with primerica, and try to save that money. then if i can guarantee myself a semi-steady income, i'll look into getting an apartment just for myself and my babies.

if matt can quit drinking and get lots of therapy and help, then maybe we can work it out and be together. but i can't force him to get help, it has to be something he chooses to do. if he wants me and our children, he'll do whatever it takes to keep us. i've already done more than i can to try and work things out with him and help him. now i have to choose my love for my children over my love for him, because they can't help the situation they've been put in, he can.

i'm just so scared. even with everything matt has put me through, i love him. i had his son, i'm pregnant with his daughter, i thought we'd get married and spend our lives together. i guess i'm just scared that he really doesn't give a shit about us, and by leaving i'm going to lose him forever. i know, that if he doesn't change, i don't need him anyways. but i'm scared. and what if i end up screwing up my kid's lives more than they would have been if i'd stayed? i always said i'd rather have my children come from a broken home than a miserable one. but look at me? my mom did everything she should and could have for me, and i still turned out pretty messed up. and it wasn't her fault at all, it's just something in me. what if, no matter what i do, zachary grows up to be like matt is? or hailey ends up going the same path with the same kind of guys as i did? just like any parent, i want my children to have a better life than i did, and make better choices.

i wish i just had a crystal ball to look in the future and make sure i am making the best decision for myself and my kids. that they will grow up with everything they want and need, physically and emotionally. that i can be with the man i love and that loves me and treats me right. and that everything will be okay...

lets see how this goes...

i just found out tonight that i CAN take tylenol pm to help me sleep. i hate taking pills for anything, but if it will help me sleep at this point i'm willing to do anything! i just took 2 and i'll call you in the morning...

just kidding. i'm super excited and nervous to hear about the house tomorrow! the owners have all of our paperwork, and they said they would make the decision and let us know tomorrow! i just want to KNOW! the anticipation is killing meee...

speaking of anticipation. i realized today that whenever i get really into cleaning and packing and moving stuff around, i have a few contractions. they're not horrible, but they don't go away unless i stop whatever i'm doing and lay/sit down for a while. i'm supposed to be on bed rest anyways, but i can't really just sit around all day with all the cleaning, packing and zachary to deal with! so i'm just scared now that with everything i'm trying to do that i'm not really supposed to be doing, i'm really going to go into preterm labor :-/ that would not be good. i want hailey to come out, but not before she's ready!

this really is all so frustrating. i've been throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so with all the stress and anxiety. but oh well. i'm knocked up and emotional as hell, what can i say?

tired

okay so i have to have the house spotless and organized by monday. usually i can get it all done in 2 days max, but i'm having a hard time with it now. i'm so overwhelmed with cleaning and packing and not knowing what to do with anything. and then i move stuff around and get into it and i have to stop to rest because i start having contractions!!! this is a lot harder than it was when i was pregnant with zachary. we moved when i was a little over 8 months pregnant and i had no problems. this one, not so much. it kind of scares me. does this mean hailey is going to be a difficult baby too? and how the hell am i supposed to get everything done now? added to that, i didn't fall asleep til after 7 am today, and got up at 9:30, so i'm dead tired already. UGH! i'm such a whiny girl lol...

stressed :-/

what else is new?! well the owner of the townhouse we looked at the other day never called back about the association approval. i guess that's okay, there most likely would have been an extensive background check needed, and i really sis not want to deal with all the cleaning and painting anyways. so another townhouse just came up for rent a couple days ago, and we went to see it last night. it looks like it's in a pretty good neighborhood, it's a good size and it's clean. the only thing that bothers me is that it has this funky green carpet on the stairway and in both rooms upstairs. it's a brand spanking new carpet, and it doesn't look bad, i'm just not a fan of green. lol. so matt really liked it, and we decided we wanted it. it's our best option so far. so we gave sheila (realtor) a check for the first month's down payment, and we're getting all the paperwork for credit checks, background checks and proof of income. apparently the owners are not too picky, because they know we have horrible credit and about the issue on matt's background and they told us to still go ahead with the application. which doesn't mean that the house is ours yet, but it's getting there. hopefully we don't go through all this trouble for nothing! i hate to get my hopes up for nothing. even though i'm still stressing about the rest of the down payment. we won't get the security deposit until we move out, and we can't move anywhere until we have the security deposit as a down payment. so we might end up having to put our stuff in storage until we get the deposit back, and then move into the new house. this is what happens when you don't prepare. UGH! and i've still got a ton of cleaning and laundry to do that i've been procrastinating on...

and because i like to end on a good note, lol... i passed my primerica final exam yesterday! today my mom is coming over to help me with the bonus questions, and i'll be scheduling my state exam later today. then i have to go get my fingerprints done and i'll get a check for $500!!! which will help with either bills, saving for the down payment, or paying back paula for the check last night... then i have to get more appointments to make more money honey!!!

happy birthday bill!

not that he is EVER going to read this. but it's the thought that counts. happy 63rd birthday :-) i was supposed to go to the primerica training meeting tonight, promised my mom i'd be there, but what i completely forgot was that we had all planned on going out to dinner to celebrate bill's birthday. oops. obviously i can't really ditch the family, and i am NOT going to pass up a free meal at an awesome bbq restaurant. so primerica once again will have to wait. but tomorrow my mom is coming over to help me with the final exam, then i have to bust my ass studying and schedule the state exam! i have to get my license before we move!

i'm nervous. it takes a lot for me to study and grasp any subject, much less life insurance policies and variable annuities. and i still have to do major work on this house, because the landlords want to start showing it to prospective tenants before we move out. and of course there's the ever-demanding zachary to be taken care of. and i know i'm a bad mom and i will regret this in the future, but we just put a tv in his room last night, so that maybe he'll spend more time in there than tearing apart the rest of the house lol. we'll see.

we looked at a house yesterday. it's a 2 bedroom, 2-1/2 bathroom, 2 story townhouse with a mini garage and a screened in back patio right on the lake. it is actually a very good size, still would've preferred a 3 bedroom, but this one has both rooms big enough to keep her in our room or switch her to zachary's room later... the only problem is that the tenants there before left the place a COMPLETE disaster. furniture, clothes, toys, FOOD all left behind along with dirt and grime. so we're trying to figure something out with the owner that if we do all the cleaning and painting before we move in, if he'll let us skip one of the security deposits. all we're waiting on now is to find out if there's an association approval required for renters, and how they go about it. if they just look up the record, we won't get approved, but if we can meet with them, they might see that matt is not a bad guy and plus it happened so long ago! so hopefully we'll find that out by tonight. i'm really hoping for this place, it's still very close to my mom and paula, and literally right across the street from the hospital! eek. fingers crossed!

and now i have to do some cleaning. i'm supposed to be on bedrest (HA!) but i still have a lot to do. this house looks like a crackhead's hideout. so i have to do little by little, drink lots of water, and take breaks in between. ta-ta! <3

i hate hospitals

i was at the hospital til 2 am last night! on top of my blinding headache and excrutiating tooth pain, i started having contractions. nothing too bad at first, but they were definitely worse than braxton hicks. so i called my doctor's office, and they said i should go to the hospital to get checked out just in case... so i put zachary in bed and made my way. i guess it was the aftermath of friday the 13th, cause the maternity center was packed! after about an hour of waiting i finally got into a room, they hooked me up to all kinds of machines to monitor the baby's heartbeat, my blood pressure, and the contractions. but then it turns out that the monitor for the contractions was broken, and wasn't picking any of them up after about an hour and a half. so that made me have to stay even longer cause they had to get them on record to see how fast and how intense they were! so after they finally got a new machine, everyone saw that the contractions were actually more intense than what i was feeling, and they were coming at regular intervals. the doctors thought i might be dehydrated, so they hooked me up to an IV for fluids to see if that stopped the contractions, it didn't. if anything it made me more uncomfortable cause i had all kinds of cords in me and around me, i was having contractions, and i had to pee! lol. so then i got some more tests done, and they took a swab sample (from down there) to see if there was a chance i would go into labor in the next 2 weeks. that test came back negative! i was pretty relieved. but i am 1 cm dilated. which is not really a big deal, cause most women can get up to 4 cm dilated and still not have the baby til their due date. but it's scary for me! so to be on the safe side, they gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions, just to make sure i do not go into preterm labor. and after watching to make sure the contractions did stop, they sent me home.

i actually slept really good last night. passed the eff out! and i woke up feeling slightly not dead at 8 am. cause usually i wake up and just want to stay in bed all day. so last night was pretty scary. i'm glad everything is kind of okay now though, i have to follow up with my OBGYN tomorrow. as much as i want this little girl out, i don't want her to come out early! i just want to fast forward time a little bit lol.

numbers

2-1/2 months 11 weeks 75 days = my due date!
1 month 4 weeks 28 days = moving day!

holy crap..... instead of figuring out all these numbers i really should be cleaning or packing or something... ah! i'm feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed. there's still sooo much to do! we don't even have an idea of where we're moving to, almost nothing is packed, we have nothing for baby hailey, and the house is a disaster! seriously, i should probably concentrate on cleaning first, but i keep teling myself it'll be easier if i go through cleaning and packing at the same time. i don't know! then i get a couple things clean or put away, and i am so exhausted i have to lay down. i have zero energy these days. and baby hailey is kicking my ass, err... stomach? from the inside. lol. fml. not really.

on a brighter note. matt went fishing this morning with bill and johnny, i was super nervous cause these fishing days never seem to end well anymore, but he came straight home! he's passed out on the couch right now, but at least he came home! and he even cuddled me and played with zachary for a little bit. i love him so much. even when i hate him. i hope he can stay on the right path :-/

it's all catching up to me

i don't know if this is because of the pregnancy, or depression, or what... i've been soo tired lately. even when i'm getting a "full" night of sleep, i still have to take a nap during the day. and when i say "full night of sleep" i mean that i only had to get up once or twice to pee lol. and even with all this sleep at night and naps during the day, i'm feeling no energy to do anything. i have a constant headache and i feel so lazy i just want to stay in bed all day and night.

had a little scare yesterday, wasn't feeling the baby move at all during times that she's usually super active, so i went to the doctor. her heartbeat sounds good and strong :-) so no worries there. guess she was just being lazy. although i am pretty upset, because the doctor decided to change my due date again. according to my last period, i'm due 11/09. i don't care what they say, i know i'm further along than they think. i just know. so i'm sticking with my due date in october. FTW! lol.

and today is the big day on whether we pay the rent or our landlords start the eviction process. i'm pretty sure bill is not going to pay, so we're going to be out on our asses. and even if he does pay, i'm sure the landlords want us out by 09/11 anyways, the day our lease is up. because if they had to go as far as put an eviction notice to try and scare us into paying, why would they let us stay any longer? i don't know what we're going to do. obviously i can go to my mom's house, but i'm not looking forward to sleeping in the living room with zachary for any extended period of time. either way, we're staying here as long as we can, i want zachary to have his normal routine for as long as possible. it's really not fair to the kid that we took away his pacifier, his mommy is too tired to do much of anything, his daddy is never home, and he's going to lose his own room and half his toys, and he's going to have a baby sister in a couple months. it's so much to adjust to and deal with, i'm worried.

on a positive note, he used the potty last night! he randomly asked me to take his diaper off, so he could sit on the potty like a big boy. so he sat down and grunted and pushed a little bit (i could see his little turtle twitching lol) and he peed! just a little sprinkle, but he did it! i was so excited and proud i started dancing around and yelling! which of course got him all excited too... progress! although i don't know how long that's going to last, or if he'll even do it again... but still. it's a step in the right direction!

annnnd today is my momma's birthday! yay! i want to surprise her tonight with some ice cream cake. mmm cake...

nap time.

ugh

i'm so tired but i don't even want to go to bed because i have to share with him.

sunday funday

not really. it's been pouring pretty much all day. very gloomy. not that i really mind, because it matches my mood! it just kind of makes for a miserable day. at least i got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the 2nd bathroom. other than that, haven't done shit. oh yea, and i snooped through matt's phone. nothing new there, excpet him texting multiple friends to ask them to borrow money. which thankfully no one lent him any, cause then i would have to hear about it when matt didn't pay them back when he said he would. another thing is i found a parking pass to some condo development for saturday at like 3:30 AM. it's either a booty call or a drug dealer. i know i don't just visit my friends at that time unless we're all fucked up or looking to get fucked. that's just me though. so i'm pretty upset. not surprised though. i know that even if he hasn't been continuously doing coke, he at least did this weekend. no one can stay awake for over 48 hours drinking and not get any "help". and if he by some miracle did not do coke this weekend, then he probably most definitely cheated on me, and stayed at the girl's house for a while. i don't see any of his "friends" just letting him come over at that time to sleep it off, especially since he could have just come home. i'm pretty upset about the whole situation, but i feel like i should be more upset? i'm actually pretty calm about the whole thing. not calm... just numb? i don't know. i'm also still waiting to hear what's going to happen with this house. by wednesday a decision has to be made whether we're going to pay or move out. i don't know what to do. i love him so much, but i called an alcoholics anonymous hotline and talked to a guy there for a while. he said that if matt is not willing to change, i can't force him. obviously, i knew that, or he would've changed a long time ago. but no matter what i do, it doesn't help. so i'm thinking that whether we get evicted or not, maybe i should move back in with my mom anyways. oh and here come the tears. i really don't want to, but i won't live the rest of my life miserable with him. ahh i still have a lot to figure out.

ramble/over.

new record

so now matt has been awake for over 48 hours, and out for over 24 hours. that's a new record, even for him. how much alcohol and cocaine can one person digest in a 2 day period? this is ridiculous. he's not in jail, cause i've checked the bso arrest records. even though i'm actually kinda hoping he does get arrested because he's an asshole and i'm mad at him. but i don't know if he's at another shithole bar, at the hospital, at someone else's house, lying dead in a dumpster?! i just don't know. he pisses me off. and i don't have any cigarettes. i know i shouldn't be smoking at all anyways, but times like these i need one.

as if it couldn't get any better

our landlords put an eviction notice on our door this morning. three days. it's not legal (yet) but it's there. we either have to pay up or get out. this sucks. i have no doubt in my mind that karen and wayne will take this to court if need be. that would prolong the process, but either way there's still only the two options. and we're still screwed either way. matt has really fucked shit up. he still won't answer his phone, so he doesn't even know. i already spent 45 minutes on the phone with my mom crying. i really don't even know what to do. i guess me and zachary will be back to sleeping in my mom's living room. this fucking sucks. it's not fair, to me or to zachary. i know part of this is my fault for letting it go on for so long and not forcing matt into rehab or leaving his ass, but i can't believe matt is putting his family through this. zachary shouldn't have to deal with this shit, and being 7 months pregnant, neither should i. i'm so upset. i can't even keep myself from crying now. i want to strangle him. then at least i'd get his life insurance money. jk though. i don't have the strength or energy for this shit right now. i don't know what to do anymore.

he done it again

my heart hurts. matt went fishing last night with the guys, and never came home. he was supposed to work today and make $500 for half a day of work, and he didn't show up. he's not answering the phone, and the bartender at southern fox said he wasn't there. (which could be a lie, but who knows) i just don't understand. things have been going pretty good lately. why now? and i tried calling him last night before zachary went to bed so he could at least say good night and he couldn't even answer? it breaks my heart. at least zachary wasn't too upset about matt not being there. he made me take matt's spot. it was actually cute to hear him say "mommy ay (lay) own (down)". but that was still supposed to be daddy. uggh. when will it end? i was supposed to go to the beach today with moose, taylor, and tricia. but after waking up and realizing matt never even came home, i'm just not up for it. i didn't get much sleep last night so i'm feeling all grumpy and tired and dizzy. plus the weather outside is matching my mood. dark and depressed. hey maybe when the rain starts falling i'll actually cry. that's one of the worst things, i think. i don't even really cry anymore. i just feel empty. i don't know what that means. now my head hurts too.

seven months knocked up

yay! three months and counting... can't wait! so we're still on the fence. not sure if we're staying here or moving out next month, but the decision needs to be made like yesterday. most likely we'll be staying here cause we can't find anything else close to our price range in a decent neighborhood with as much space as we have here. so yea. hopefully matt does come through with all the work he said he would do to the house and backyard! then it wouldn't be so bad. ahh my sneaky mind is already plotting ways to spend hundreds of dollars on this house :-> not that most of it will ever happen. but it's fun to dream... i didn't get shit done yesterday, my back was hurting too much and i figured eh, i busted my ass the other day so i'll take a day to be lazy. but today i have to get back on it. clean clean clean!

annnd zachary just walked in here with half of a green crayon that i have no idea where he found, i now have to go inspect if he colored on the walls or floors anywhere...

attention whore

i think it's pretty cool that i don't look pregnant from behind. from the front and side, HELL YES! but not from the back. eh, the fat will come i'm sure. just like with zachary. tomorrow i hit 7 months and i'm sure i will blow up like a balloon! but until then, i will savor this moment and post it everywhere... jk, kinda.

bad mommy

thats what i get for sitting on the computer for 15 minutes. i walk out and zachary has pulled off his shitty diaper and peed on the floor. and there's a chicken bone in the middle of the living room. first of all, where the hell did that chicken bone come from?! we haven't eaten chicken with bones in like two weeks!! gross. and i really hate these pull up diapers with velcro. makes it wayyy too easy for zachary to pull them off. i guess i should've been paying more attention, it is time for the early morning poop anyways. ugh.

i cleaned the kitchen yesterday. and by clean, i mean i took everything out of every single cabinet and drawer and wiped everything down with a rag, towel, and toothbrush. it's spotless. and i can actually use some of the cabinets now cause i'm not scared to stick my hand in there! bad part: my back is fucking KILLING me. it's so sore i can't turn to one side and i'm walking like a pimp with a limp. and i still have soo much to do! i decided i would completely destroy/clean at least one area of the house every day until the whole place is sparkling. today i was going to do the guest room and dining room. i just need to make sure i'm not going to pass out from the pain if i bend over the wrong way :-/

fun! not...

why does everything have to be so difficult?! a little update:

friday night while my mom was babysitting she took it upon herself to just throw away zachary's last two pacifiers. (uggh) we've been talking and trying to get rid of them anyways, so not a big deal. i just would have liked to mentally prepare myself for it first! and now today is tuesday, and we have not run to the store to buy new ones! yay for us! oh yea, and zachary's doing pretty good without them too... very irritable but better than expected!

last night me and matt went looking at a few properties for rent. a cute condo, couple cute townhouses... all needing association approval! which sucks because of matt's background. we'd get denied for sure and lose out on like $200. so that's a no-go. so matt calls karen and asks if she would mind if we just stay here for another year, and we'll do some work on the house to make it look nice cause i'm annoyed at everything. now he's saying he still wants to look at some houses in hollywood/ghetto that the realtor said we would be able to get into no problem.

i got excited about moving. then i got excited about staying here but actually making this into our home and not just the place we live. now i have to keep looking?! stupid thing to be stressed out/annoyed over, but whatever. i'm pregnant. i'm allowed.

my back hurts.

house hunting

one month to go! we pretty much spent the day yesterday with a realtor specializing in rentals, looking at crappy apartments in worse neighborhoods! that's what i get for insisting on three bedrooms. so since today is sunday and nobody works, tomorrow we're going to be looking at some two bedrooms. i actually found one in cedarwoods so i'm super excited about that, cause i know it would be a decent size, at least... we will see about the rest! two bedrooms is no big deal to me, as long as it's big enough for all our shit!!

friday night (britt's b-day) actually was a lot of fun! had an awesome dinner at shooters, then hung out at ocean mist. ahh the good old days. we were supposed to take a group picture to match the one we have from 4 years ago lol, but everyone got so drunk they forgot! i even had about half a glass of wine and caught a little buzz. hey, i'm allowed! matt did not act stupid or belligerent and he didn't go out! yay! although i did bribe him with sex... whatever works. we did all have a lot of fun though, i was so happy. this weekend has been great overall.

now if i could just get the energy to get off my ass...