i have been looking forward to and dreading this day all month! tonight we are going out to celebrate brittany's 21st birthday. originally we were going to "lips", a drag show, but there was a lot of restrictions and it was going to end up being like $100 per person even before the booze started flowing, so now we're all just going to dinner and then to a bar. now if i was not preggers i'd be semi-okay with this. it just sucks. i'm not big into drinking anymore, but in a situation like this where everyone and their mother (literally) is going to be getting drunk, i'd like to be able to have more than just a half glass of wine. and don't even get me started on matt. i know i'm not the only one super nervous about him drinking tonight, but i'm the only one that's going to have to deal with it later. my mom is saying the night at my house tonight with enrique so they can babysit zachary and not have to worry about shuffling either kid from one house to another. so i have to finish cleaning my house! lol or i'll never hear the end of it... ohh i just hope there's no problems tonight. i hope matt behaves himself and doesn't get too drunk.
i hope i hope i hope...
7.30.2010
7.29.2010
slacker much?
i told myself this one would be different! that i would keep up with it and write every day about anything and everything... so much for that. oh well, i've had a lot going on. okay, not a lot, the same amount of crap i deal with every day. same diff.
i've been stressing. today i think i officially hit third trimester! it's a little confusing cause some books and websites say 27 weeks, some say 28 weeks. i'm just going with the earlier date cause i'm anxious as helllll!!! i've been so uncomfortable all day today, with back pains and stomach aches! ugh. three months and counting...
matt was kind of m.i.a. last night. he says he didn't stay out all night, that he came home and slept on the couch. i just wish i could believe him! i remember waking up a few times last night, after going to bed at 2 am, and i didn't see him any time. and supposedly he couldn't sleep so he went to work at like 5:30 am?! i smell bullshit... i just don't know. i wish i could trust him, but the worst part is i don't have any proof of anything so i guess i just have to take him at his word? i have a bad feeling that he's doing coke again (or still?) who gets up for work at 6 am one day, gets drunk at hooters that night, comes home and doesn't sleep, and then spends another 10 hours at work the next day? all without sleep? i don't think so.
zachary was pretty cute today. he started this new thing where he puts his pointer finger to his cheek and says "hmmm..." and then starts blabbing about whatever it is he's looking at. i think it's adorable and funny as hell. don't know where he got it from though. just like his attitude. wtf happened to my sweet, smiling baby? now its all about "uh-uh" and "i don't wanna". i'm pretty much at a loss for words on that subject. can i beat the bad attitude out of him? or is that considered child abuse? whatever. i smack my kid when he deserves it. and then i hug him after. lol. don't ask about my discipline. i don't even know what to do with him anymore.
on a side note... yesterday i took zachary to the cb smith water park for the first time! family outing type thing... it was actually fun. he was a little scared of the water and all the people. but once he realized he could run around to his little heart's content he didn't want to leave! until i forced him to go under the water cannons and slides. (lol mean mommy) i just wanted him to try it!!! all in all, a good day. and then we went to dinner for titi evelyn's birthday! zachary did not have fun there... but we made the best of it. sometimes dinner with family just takes too long, a 2-1/2 year old will only sit still long enough to eat, then it's time to go. we're still trying to train zachary... but he's impatient.
and that's it. i feel like i'm leaving something out... but i can't remember what, so i'll leave it at that. if anything, it'll give me an excuse to write later. or tomorrow. or next week. you know...
i've been stressing. today i think i officially hit third trimester! it's a little confusing cause some books and websites say 27 weeks, some say 28 weeks. i'm just going with the earlier date cause i'm anxious as helllll!!! i've been so uncomfortable all day today, with back pains and stomach aches! ugh. three months and counting...
matt was kind of m.i.a. last night. he says he didn't stay out all night, that he came home and slept on the couch. i just wish i could believe him! i remember waking up a few times last night, after going to bed at 2 am, and i didn't see him any time. and supposedly he couldn't sleep so he went to work at like 5:30 am?! i smell bullshit... i just don't know. i wish i could trust him, but the worst part is i don't have any proof of anything so i guess i just have to take him at his word? i have a bad feeling that he's doing coke again (or still?) who gets up for work at 6 am one day, gets drunk at hooters that night, comes home and doesn't sleep, and then spends another 10 hours at work the next day? all without sleep? i don't think so.
zachary was pretty cute today. he started this new thing where he puts his pointer finger to his cheek and says "hmmm..." and then starts blabbing about whatever it is he's looking at. i think it's adorable and funny as hell. don't know where he got it from though. just like his attitude. wtf happened to my sweet, smiling baby? now its all about "uh-uh" and "i don't wanna". i'm pretty much at a loss for words on that subject. can i beat the bad attitude out of him? or is that considered child abuse? whatever. i smack my kid when he deserves it. and then i hug him after. lol. don't ask about my discipline. i don't even know what to do with him anymore.
on a side note... yesterday i took zachary to the cb smith water park for the first time! family outing type thing... it was actually fun. he was a little scared of the water and all the people. but once he realized he could run around to his little heart's content he didn't want to leave! until i forced him to go under the water cannons and slides. (lol mean mommy) i just wanted him to try it!!! all in all, a good day. and then we went to dinner for titi evelyn's birthday! zachary did not have fun there... but we made the best of it. sometimes dinner with family just takes too long, a 2-1/2 year old will only sit still long enough to eat, then it's time to go. we're still trying to train zachary... but he's impatient.
and that's it. i feel like i'm leaving something out... but i can't remember what, so i'll leave it at that. if anything, it'll give me an excuse to write later. or tomorrow. or next week. you know...
7.26.2010
semi-accomplished
okay so i didn't get as much sleep last night as i would've liked... still dealing with this headache on and off. on and off meaning sometimes the pain is blinding, and other times it's only a mild thudding behind my eyeballs. i really need to figure something out with this. can't keep popping tylenols like gummi bears.
anyways. when i got up this morning i actually got almost right to work! cleaned the litter box, cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher, finished one load of laundry... it's more than i usually get done before 2 pm. although now i'm ready for a nap! i've still got a lot to do, but i think i'm like a baby. if i am overtired, i can't sleep. but when i take naps during the day, i actually sleep better at night. weird? idgaf. i just want sleep.
so here's the question... do i keep cleaning and hope i can get some kind of sleep tonight? or take a nap and hope i have the willpower later to clean? ehhh.... maybe i'll just lay down and see what happens... besides, i still have the rest of the week to clean too!
ahh, justification.
anyways. when i got up this morning i actually got almost right to work! cleaned the litter box, cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher, finished one load of laundry... it's more than i usually get done before 2 pm. although now i'm ready for a nap! i've still got a lot to do, but i think i'm like a baby. if i am overtired, i can't sleep. but when i take naps during the day, i actually sleep better at night. weird? idgaf. i just want sleep.
so here's the question... do i keep cleaning and hope i can get some kind of sleep tonight? or take a nap and hope i have the willpower later to clean? ehhh.... maybe i'll just lay down and see what happens... besides, i still have the rest of the week to clean too!
ahh, justification.
7.23.2010
i'm so depressed...
this is supposed to be an exciting time in my life. zachary is growing up so much and learning new things every day, even when he's annoying and throwing tantrums, i love him so much and i'm so proud of him! and even though this pregnancy has been kind of rough with all the raging hormones, fatigue, and nausea, having a baby girl in my arms in october is well worth it. i love matt with all my heart, our four year anniversary is coming up, we have a beautiful son and a little girl on the way. it should be perfect. but these past few months have been the most difficult and depressing time of my life. i know there are other people out there that have to deal with much worse, and i'm thankful i don't have it as bad and i've got support from family and friends... but still, this isn't the way i envisioned my life at 23. i always knew i wanted to be a wife and mother, and i don't regret any of my decisions because they have led me to having zachary and this baby that's still growing.
i just don't know what to do anymore about matt. every time i turn around there's another lie, another betrayal, another disappointment. his phone has been ringing off the hook all day, so i finally decided to investigate. a few numbers had called and texted that he didn't have saved in his contacts. so i copied them and called one back that he had been texting back and forth. he told me it was robyn, a toothless, overweight bartender from southern fox that i've met before. but how do i know it's really her? she's calling him "matty" and asking him to "come see her today please". so i called the number from my phone. strangely she knew who it was when she picked up and i asked what her name was. i don't know if she recognized my voice from calling the bar so much or if she had my number saved in her phone. she said matt owed her money so she was trying to get it back. funny, the other day matt said she was asking him to borrow money. this, on top of the situation with pito last night and if he really borrowed money. it can't be that two seperate people are lying about matt and money. so it only makes sense that matt is lying to me. pito never asked to borrow money, and although robyn might have borrowed money in the past, right now it's matt that owes her. so he's lying about all this stupid shit with money, what else is he lying about? is he cheating on me, still doing coke, or worse? i don't even know. i mean, what kind of man, what kind of father will leave his son and pregnant fiancee at home, knowing there's no food whatsoever, and disappear to drink for a whole night and day? and then come home and get mad when he's not greeted at the door with hugs and kisses? he prefers staying out at hole in the wall bars to coming home and spending time with his family. he's a better man than that, but he's acting like a scumbag. he treats us like he doesn't give a shit, or he expects someone else to help us all the time. all he ever does anymore is work, fish, sleep, and stay out drinking.
i'm just so frustrated. he expects so much out of me. he wants me to clean the house and keep it clean, do all the laundry for three people, do the dishes, change zachary's diapers all day and try to potty train him, feed him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and all the snacks in between, refill his sippy cup a million times a day, play and teach him, feed two cats three times a day, clean their litter box, make myself look presentable, cook dinner for the three of us, get zachary ready for bed, and then give him a blowjob or sex whenever he asks. everything done by myself, oh yea, while i'm carrying and helping another living person growing in my body. and yet matt still gets upset when i'm not always perfectly nice to him. he comes home from work, leaves everything everywhere and just plops down in front of the tv. i can understand being tired from work, i may not do hard labor like he does, but i have a 24/7 job that i don't get any days off from. i can never call in sick, get holidays or weekends or even nights off! if my little one needs me at any time i have to be there. i wouldn't trade it for the world, but a little appreciation and understanding for what i do would be nice too. matt seems to think i spend all my time sitting around with my thumbs up my ass. if i clean the whole house in one day, well why isn't the laundry done? if i make a dent in the mountain of dirty clothes, well why are the dishes piling up? zachary learned his colors today, awesome wrestling is on tonight. matt only sees what isn't done, or what he wants to see, and shows no appreciation for anything i have done. no one else i know cooks dinner for their significant other every night. but no matter what else, i always make sure to have something to make him for dinner. even if it's macaroni and cheese, i cook for him and we sit down like a family to eat.
i don't know what else to do. i feel like i'm already doing everything i can, including trying to be nice to matt even when he fucks us over. i can't express my opinions cause i always have to walk on eggshells around him, or he fires back that somehow it's my own fault because i'm lazy. yea, i am verrrry lazy. but i still get things done, and i'd rather be lazy than an alcoholic. this whole situation has just left me so depressed. i either feel so angry at him, or just hopeless. i love him, but how can i sit around and allow myself to be treated like shit? and not just me, but zachary too? there's really nothing i can do to change matt, he has to do it on his own. but half the time he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, or just doesn't even care enough to remark on it. i really wish i could just talk to him about all my feelings and he would actually listen and take them into consideration. but he only sees his part of the story. and according to him, i'm a lazy bitch and that's why he goes out, because he doesn't want to be home with me. his son isn't enough to keep him home? and maybe the reason i am such a bitch is because this has been going on for almost three years?
i keep alternating between wanting to kill him in his sleep, or curl up in his arms and just cry.
i just don't know what to do anymore about matt. every time i turn around there's another lie, another betrayal, another disappointment. his phone has been ringing off the hook all day, so i finally decided to investigate. a few numbers had called and texted that he didn't have saved in his contacts. so i copied them and called one back that he had been texting back and forth. he told me it was robyn, a toothless, overweight bartender from southern fox that i've met before. but how do i know it's really her? she's calling him "matty" and asking him to "come see her today please". so i called the number from my phone. strangely she knew who it was when she picked up and i asked what her name was. i don't know if she recognized my voice from calling the bar so much or if she had my number saved in her phone. she said matt owed her money so she was trying to get it back. funny, the other day matt said she was asking him to borrow money. this, on top of the situation with pito last night and if he really borrowed money. it can't be that two seperate people are lying about matt and money. so it only makes sense that matt is lying to me. pito never asked to borrow money, and although robyn might have borrowed money in the past, right now it's matt that owes her. so he's lying about all this stupid shit with money, what else is he lying about? is he cheating on me, still doing coke, or worse? i don't even know. i mean, what kind of man, what kind of father will leave his son and pregnant fiancee at home, knowing there's no food whatsoever, and disappear to drink for a whole night and day? and then come home and get mad when he's not greeted at the door with hugs and kisses? he prefers staying out at hole in the wall bars to coming home and spending time with his family. he's a better man than that, but he's acting like a scumbag. he treats us like he doesn't give a shit, or he expects someone else to help us all the time. all he ever does anymore is work, fish, sleep, and stay out drinking.
i'm just so frustrated. he expects so much out of me. he wants me to clean the house and keep it clean, do all the laundry for three people, do the dishes, change zachary's diapers all day and try to potty train him, feed him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and all the snacks in between, refill his sippy cup a million times a day, play and teach him, feed two cats three times a day, clean their litter box, make myself look presentable, cook dinner for the three of us, get zachary ready for bed, and then give him a blowjob or sex whenever he asks. everything done by myself, oh yea, while i'm carrying and helping another living person growing in my body. and yet matt still gets upset when i'm not always perfectly nice to him. he comes home from work, leaves everything everywhere and just plops down in front of the tv. i can understand being tired from work, i may not do hard labor like he does, but i have a 24/7 job that i don't get any days off from. i can never call in sick, get holidays or weekends or even nights off! if my little one needs me at any time i have to be there. i wouldn't trade it for the world, but a little appreciation and understanding for what i do would be nice too. matt seems to think i spend all my time sitting around with my thumbs up my ass. if i clean the whole house in one day, well why isn't the laundry done? if i make a dent in the mountain of dirty clothes, well why are the dishes piling up? zachary learned his colors today, awesome wrestling is on tonight. matt only sees what isn't done, or what he wants to see, and shows no appreciation for anything i have done. no one else i know cooks dinner for their significant other every night. but no matter what else, i always make sure to have something to make him for dinner. even if it's macaroni and cheese, i cook for him and we sit down like a family to eat.
i don't know what else to do. i feel like i'm already doing everything i can, including trying to be nice to matt even when he fucks us over. i can't express my opinions cause i always have to walk on eggshells around him, or he fires back that somehow it's my own fault because i'm lazy. yea, i am verrrry lazy. but i still get things done, and i'd rather be lazy than an alcoholic. this whole situation has just left me so depressed. i either feel so angry at him, or just hopeless. i love him, but how can i sit around and allow myself to be treated like shit? and not just me, but zachary too? there's really nothing i can do to change matt, he has to do it on his own. but half the time he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, or just doesn't even care enough to remark on it. i really wish i could just talk to him about all my feelings and he would actually listen and take them into consideration. but he only sees his part of the story. and according to him, i'm a lazy bitch and that's why he goes out, because he doesn't want to be home with me. his son isn't enough to keep him home? and maybe the reason i am such a bitch is because this has been going on for almost three years?
i keep alternating between wanting to kill him in his sleep, or curl up in his arms and just cry.
ouch
i'm really pissed off. i'm sitting here at the computer and little miss chloe decides to take a flying leap at my bare thighs... and didn't make it. so i now have bloody scratches. and animal abuse alert, i smacked her. whatever, that shit hurt! the up side for today is even though zachary went to bed around 10:30, and i fell asleep after 1 am, me and zachary slept late til about 11:30! i love rain when i'm sleeping! it kept the house nice and dark, and the sound is so soothing (on top of our loud ass floor fans). finally got the washer and dryer back in last night, so we have running water in the kitchen now. yay! now i don't have any excuse not to do dishes or laundry (dammit. jk) i'm actually really excited to get this mess clean and done with!
i'm still not sure what to think about last night. matt drank a lot of beer and left to help pito with something. he took $100 out of my wallet and said that pito asked to borrow it, not sure if i believed that to begin with, but then pito called me after matt left the house and said he didn't know where matt was and that he didn't ask to borrow any money. i still don't know what time matt came home. but he said he didn't go out last night, just to pito's house and back. and when i mentioned the money he said pito was going to try and pay us back today. someone is lying. i don't see a reason why pito would lie, but i wish i could just believe matt's word. i hate this. why does matt have to put me in this situation where i can't trust him with anything? it's just depressing.
i'm still not sure what to think about last night. matt drank a lot of beer and left to help pito with something. he took $100 out of my wallet and said that pito asked to borrow it, not sure if i believed that to begin with, but then pito called me after matt left the house and said he didn't know where matt was and that he didn't ask to borrow any money. i still don't know what time matt came home. but he said he didn't go out last night, just to pito's house and back. and when i mentioned the money he said pito was going to try and pay us back today. someone is lying. i don't see a reason why pito would lie, but i wish i could just believe matt's word. i hate this. why does matt have to put me in this situation where i can't trust him with anything? it's just depressing.
7.21.2010
omg so busy
but never too busy to stay off the fucking internet! i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me lol. this is why i get so stressed over the things i need to do, because i never get them done when i should!
yay barbecue chips.
so i've been browsing people's baby and photo blogs. i'm jealous. i think i want to start taking tons more pictures and posting them on my blog! super idea for someone who doesn't already have enough to do, right? ha. oh well. i really do just want more pictures of zachary and bella and chloe and our life! i know i can't be all artistic and profesh with it (unless i take every picture in black and white!) but i can have some fun. hmm... we'll see how this goes.
back to cleaning.
yay barbecue chips.
so i've been browsing people's baby and photo blogs. i'm jealous. i think i want to start taking tons more pictures and posting them on my blog! super idea for someone who doesn't already have enough to do, right? ha. oh well. i really do just want more pictures of zachary and bella and chloe and our life! i know i can't be all artistic and profesh with it (unless i take every picture in black and white!) but i can have some fun. hmm... we'll see how this goes.
back to cleaning.
tgif tuesday!
wow, last night was great! matt actually volunteered to stay with zachary while i went to a mini-reunion at tgi-fridays. once in a lifetime opportunity lol! 4 friends from middle school sitting at a restaurant for like six hours! seriously. talking about everything from cars to threesomes! ahh we should do stuff like that more often, and God knows it was good for me to get out of the house! even though me and matt got into a little fight about it, he just couldn't believe we stayed there til 1 am talking! he got over it though... i think tonight we're going to have a big talk. its past due time for it.
annnd i'm still stressing. i called medicaid randomly and they said i was denied for august, even though they already told me i have full medicaid. i'm so confused. and the house is a complete disaster! i have to clean (again) today. at least the rotten fish smell is gone... or maybe i got used to it? ew. the home depot guys are coming in a little bit to finish installing the fridge, and tonight we have to put the washer/ dryer back in too. carrie called me today and bitched me out in her perfectly polite soft-spoken way about my test. i still need to retake the final quiz, take the bonus questions, schedule the real exam, and get my fingerprints done! and i really want to get at least one more recruit and another sale before i get my license! this is stuff that should already be done, but me, the procrastinator, has left everything to happen at once. no wonder i've been getting so stressed!? it's my own fault, i know. just wish i had a little more willpower or determination. i've been letting my depression get the best of me lately.
uhhh... i'm going to put on some music and hopefully get pumped up to get some shit done! yea. go me!
annnd i'm still stressing. i called medicaid randomly and they said i was denied for august, even though they already told me i have full medicaid. i'm so confused. and the house is a complete disaster! i have to clean (again) today. at least the rotten fish smell is gone... or maybe i got used to it? ew. the home depot guys are coming in a little bit to finish installing the fridge, and tonight we have to put the washer/ dryer back in too. carrie called me today and bitched me out in her perfectly polite soft-spoken way about my test. i still need to retake the final quiz, take the bonus questions, schedule the real exam, and get my fingerprints done! and i really want to get at least one more recruit and another sale before i get my license! this is stuff that should already be done, but me, the procrastinator, has left everything to happen at once. no wonder i've been getting so stressed!? it's my own fault, i know. just wish i had a little more willpower or determination. i've been letting my depression get the best of me lately.
uhhh... i'm going to put on some music and hopefully get pumped up to get some shit done! yea. go me!
7.20.2010
one of those days
i just got up on the wrong side of the bed, i guess. i'm not in a really bad mood, just not completely happy. sometimes everything just catches up to me all at once and then i just don't feel right. maybe it's my own fault because i think about too much. just with the house, primerica, zachary, the baby, and matt, i feel so overwhelmed! there's not enough time in the day, and i don't have enough energy to do everything i feel i should.
7.19.2010
blah blah blah
ever have one of those days where you just wake up mad at the world? i'm actually pretty grumpy because i only got about three hours of sleep last night. but i'm just getting so frustrated with everything! we have a nice, new fridge in our dining room and a broken fridge in our kitchen that is smelling up the whole house! no matter how much i clean and spray it smells like rotten food all the way from the front door to the back patio! we don't really have any food except pb&j sandwiches and chef boyardee. i have some money leftover but i don't know if it will be enough for what else we need to last until thursday. i've started looking into places for rent in the area. that's depressing! online i've only found about four places. they seem nice enough, in the area we want, but they're not that much cheaper than what we're paying now. that worries me. we're struggling now, and it's mostly because of matt's problem, but how are we going to manage everything after we have another baby to feed and diaper?! and we still don't have anything for her, and i feel like time is running out. i've got so much on my to-do list and no inclination to do any of it with this lack of sleep. ah stress...
7.18.2010
stressing over crib sets?
of all the things i should be and could be stressing out about, the one thing at the top of my mind is choosing a crib bedding set... really? *sigh* oh well. i'm torn between two crib sets. they're pretty similar and if i could afford it, i'd buy them both and interchange the pieces. that would be perfect! but at around $170 each, i don't think that's going to happen. i really like the alli taylor "sophia" because of the polka dots and stripes. but i'm scared the green might be too bright, and that all the brown will look too dark with the espresso crib. now the alli taylor "circle time pink" has the right colors all together, but there is a lack of stripes! and i'm still getting used to the geometric circles/ polka dots. i'm just very confused. i don't want it to be too busy, but i want everything to coordinate. i like both the crib sets for different reasons. and every time i tell myself, "that's it, i'm picking this one." i end up going back to look at the other one. then i spend forty-five minutes looking back and forth between the two, confused all over again! maybe i should just put both sets on my babies 'r' us registry and see which one is bought first! good idea... but what if no one buys either of them? then i'll be stuck again... well i will leave with that and immerse myself into the tv. my parting gift to you to see just how crazy i am: 
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