this is supposed to be an exciting time in my life. zachary is growing up so much and learning new things every day, even when he's annoying and throwing tantrums, i love him so much and i'm so proud of him! and even though this pregnancy has been kind of rough with all the raging hormones, fatigue, and nausea, having a baby girl in my arms in october is well worth it. i love matt with all my heart, our four year anniversary is coming up, we have a beautiful son and a little girl on the way. it should be perfect. but these past few months have been the most difficult and depressing time of my life. i know there are other people out there that have to deal with much worse, and i'm thankful i don't have it as bad and i've got support from family and friends... but still, this isn't the way i envisioned my life at 23. i always knew i wanted to be a wife and mother, and i don't regret any of my decisions because they have led me to having zachary and this baby that's still growing.
i just don't know what to do anymore about matt. every time i turn around there's another lie, another betrayal, another disappointment. his phone has been ringing off the hook all day, so i finally decided to investigate. a few numbers had called and texted that he didn't have saved in his contacts. so i copied them and called one back that he had been texting back and forth. he told me it was robyn, a toothless, overweight bartender from southern fox that i've met before. but how do i know it's really her? she's calling him "matty" and asking him to "come see her today please". so i called the number from my phone. strangely she knew who it was when she picked up and i asked what her name was. i don't know if she recognized my voice from calling the bar so much or if she had my number saved in her phone. she said matt owed her money so she was trying to get it back. funny, the other day matt said she was asking him to borrow money. this, on top of the situation with pito last night and if he really borrowed money. it can't be that two seperate people are lying about matt and money. so it only makes sense that matt is lying to me. pito never asked to borrow money, and although robyn might have borrowed money in the past, right now it's matt that owes her. so he's lying about all this stupid shit with money, what else is he lying about? is he cheating on me, still doing coke, or worse? i don't even know. i mean, what kind of man, what kind of father will leave his son and pregnant fiancee at home, knowing there's no food whatsoever, and disappear to drink for a whole night and day? and then come home and get mad when he's not greeted at the door with hugs and kisses? he prefers staying out at hole in the wall bars to coming home and spending time with his family. he's a better man than that, but he's acting like a scumbag. he treats us like he doesn't give a shit, or he expects someone else to help us all the time. all he ever does anymore is work, fish, sleep, and stay out drinking.
i'm just so frustrated. he expects so much out of me. he wants me to clean the house and keep it clean, do all the laundry for three people, do the dishes, change zachary's diapers all day and try to potty train him, feed him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and all the snacks in between, refill his sippy cup a million times a day, play and teach him, feed two cats three times a day, clean their litter box, make myself look presentable, cook dinner for the three of us, get zachary ready for bed, and then give him a blowjob or sex whenever he asks. everything done by myself, oh yea, while i'm carrying and helping another living person growing in my body. and yet matt still gets upset when i'm not always perfectly nice to him. he comes home from work, leaves everything everywhere and just plops down in front of the tv. i can understand being tired from work, i may not do hard labor like he does, but i have a 24/7 job that i don't get any days off from. i can never call in sick, get holidays or weekends or even nights off! if my little one needs me at any time i have to be there. i wouldn't trade it for the world, but a little appreciation and understanding for what i do would be nice too. matt seems to think i spend all my time sitting around with my thumbs up my ass. if i clean the whole house in one day, well why isn't the laundry done? if i make a dent in the mountain of dirty clothes, well why are the dishes piling up? zachary learned his colors today, awesome wrestling is on tonight. matt only sees what isn't done, or what he wants to see, and shows no appreciation for anything i have done. no one else i know cooks dinner for their significant other every night. but no matter what else, i always make sure to have something to make him for dinner. even if it's macaroni and cheese, i cook for him and we sit down like a family to eat.
i don't know what else to do. i feel like i'm already doing everything i can, including trying to be nice to matt even when he fucks us over. i can't express my opinions cause i always have to walk on eggshells around him, or he fires back that somehow it's my own fault because i'm lazy. yea, i am verrrry lazy. but i still get things done, and i'd rather be lazy than an alcoholic. this whole situation has just left me so depressed. i either feel so angry at him, or just hopeless. i love him, but how can i sit around and allow myself to be treated like shit? and not just me, but zachary too? there's really nothing i can do to change matt, he has to do it on his own. but half the time he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, or just doesn't even care enough to remark on it. i really wish i could just talk to him about all my feelings and he would actually listen and take them into consideration. but he only sees his part of the story. and according to him, i'm a lazy bitch and that's why he goes out, because he doesn't want to be home with me. his son isn't enough to keep him home? and maybe the reason i am such a bitch is because this has been going on for almost three years?
i keep alternating between wanting to kill him in his sleep, or curl up in his arms and just cry.
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