he done it again

my heart hurts. matt went fishing last night with the guys, and never came home. he was supposed to work today and make $500 for half a day of work, and he didn't show up. he's not answering the phone, and the bartender at southern fox said he wasn't there. (which could be a lie, but who knows) i just don't understand. things have been going pretty good lately. why now? and i tried calling him last night before zachary went to bed so he could at least say good night and he couldn't even answer? it breaks my heart. at least zachary wasn't too upset about matt not being there. he made me take matt's spot. it was actually cute to hear him say "mommy ay (lay) own (down)". but that was still supposed to be daddy. uggh. when will it end? i was supposed to go to the beach today with moose, taylor, and tricia. but after waking up and realizing matt never even came home, i'm just not up for it. i didn't get much sleep last night so i'm feeling all grumpy and tired and dizzy. plus the weather outside is matching my mood. dark and depressed. hey maybe when the rain starts falling i'll actually cry. that's one of the worst things, i think. i don't even really cry anymore. i just feel empty. i don't know what that means. now my head hurts too.