dun dun dunnn...

tomorrow is the big day. test day! i hate studying, i hate tests, and i hate everything centered around either of these things. what am i getting myself into? i'm hungry. but i think its nervous hunger? i feel sooo unprepared for this test tomorrow. i studied yesterday, and today spent almost all day and night studying some more. i feel like none of it is really sinking in. which is why i hate studying and test taking. i feel like i'm not really learning. my own fault, because i am a procrastinator, but still. i hate it. but i can't stay up all night worrying, so i'm going to bed, hopefully will get in some more study time tomorrow, and go take that test! i will probably fail, but here's hoping...

there should be a law

pregnant women should not get sick. ever. isn't it bad enough we have to deal with our inside organs being used as punching bags, peeing every 15 minutes, backaches, and just looking like a cow in general? on top of all that i have to deal with an alternating stuffed up or leaking nose, horrible congestion and wheezing and coughing?! great. i'm going to OD on tylenol.

and as i'm typing this, zachary decides he should scratch my back. he is SO FUCKING cute sometimes. my boy loves me :-) i love him right back more :-)

yay me!

so i am a procrastinator. i took my final quiz for primerica and passed it, then let too much time go by and it expired. so i took it again and passed it. then i scheduled my state exam for this thursday even though i have done NO studying or preparing for it. i took my bonus questions quiz a couple times, and i finally passed it today. here's the exciting part: i actually flew through most of the questions without having to look them up or ask my mom! and i passed with a 92%!!! i'm so excited. i just have to keep it up, and actually study this week and i should be able to pass with flying colors! yay! and then i'll get my license, and get my $500 check that's been waiting for me for 6 months lol! even though i have to save it... but still! it'll be nice knowing i have some kind of money for whatever!

other than that, i'm sick as a freaking dog. my mom was sick and passed it on to me :-( i've got a stuffy/runny nose, headache, sore throat, and coughing hurts! bitch! and all i can take is tylenol. i've taken tylenol cold and sinus, regular tylenol, and tylenol pm. i know i'm allowed, and i take it in moderation, but i HATE taking any pills for anything! but with this cold, and my back hurts, and hailey feels like she's gunna explode through my belly button, i need some kind of relief lol! i know, i know, i'm whining... oh well, deal with it. i do lol.

annnnd that's it. i took a tylenol pm a little while ago, and i've got to get to sleep before i get overtired! then i can't sleep at all! good night worlddd...

finally doing something!

i'm actually kind of excited. yesterday i scheduled my state exam for next week! that means i have a SHITload of studying to do before then, plus i have to pass my life exam guarantee. i hate studying, but i'm excited that i may finally get my license and get some money! i just need to set some more appointments and make sales and get recruits!

we finally have a date set for my baby shower. it's going to be october 2nd, a saturday, and we're doing it at paula's house. it's just going to be a very casual bbq/pool party. i hope it turns out okay. with zachary's baby shower i invited 50 people and only about 12 showed up. hopefully this time has a little bit better turnout! but i hope it's not going to be too crowded in paula's backyard. i think it should be fine though!

ahh... i need to organize some stuff now! i have paperwork and folders all thrown around everywhere and it's driving me crazy! plus i have to find my forms for the gestational diabetes test, and get that done before my next doctors appointment. i'm excited but i still feel like i'm going crazy! lol i feel like there's so much to do, but i actually have less to do now. oh well. crazy preggo hormones i guess.

toodloo!

8 months!

time is flying! it's already september and i can officially say i am due next month! OMG. although i have a feeling baby hailey will not wait until the end of october to make her appearance. i went to the doctor yesterday, i was having contractions all day about 10 minutes apart. the doctor checked my cervix and said i was all closed up and sent me home. i'm still having contractions today, but apparently i'm just supposed to deal with it. i'm very frustrated. i know i'm not a doctor, but it's very annoying when they won't listen to me. i know what i'm feeling, and i'm not an expert on labor and pregnancy, but i know my own body better than anyone, and if i'm scared baby hailey is going to come too early, they should do something to reassure me or do everything possible that it won't happen!

i'm very frustrated with a lot of things right now. i don't have a phone or a car, and i have a lot to do. matt said he would try to pay the cell phone bills today, we'll see. i hope he does cause it sucks being stuck with no communication except the internet lol. i need to call medicaid, workforce 1, mental health counselers, and my doctor. plus i have to schedule my state exam and take/pass my life exam guarantee quiz.

okay so maybe it's not all that much, but i just can't seem to stop worrying about the baby. i really hope she doesn't come out too early! we finally scheduled the day for my baby shower... october 2nd at paula's house. we're going to make it a very casual bbq/pool party. i hope everyone comes :-/ not like my baby shower with zachary lol. i invited about 50 people and only 12 showed up. this time it's a lot more family though, so hopefully they will actually come. and i hope i get some good stuff! lol i'm so bad! only because i need it! and as long as baby hailey comes after the baby shower it might be okay.

ugh. these contractions are killing me. they're not coming at regular intervals anymore, but they are painful. and i'm still feeling nauseous. i hope they do stop on their own! if they don't go away by the end of today, i'm going to the hospital to get a shot. lol there's no way i'm going to deal with this for the next 2 months!

i'm so scared

matt went out last night. bill and paula were so upset that they cancelled the check they had given us as a downpayment for the townhouse we were going to move into next week, and matt ended up missing the appointment with the owners to sign the lease anyways. i had to call sheila and tell her what happened and cancel everything. it fucked her over too, cause she was trying to vouch for us that we're responsible, good people. so much for that. and now we're still expected to be out of here by the 11th at the latest and we don't have anywhere to go. and not only that, but our landlords now have an appointment with other renters next week to come see this house, and we were supposed to have the yard cleaned today. i don't know what to do.

tomorrow i'll be packing and cleaning all day, then going to my mom's house. i really hate to, only because it's going to be such a huge change for zachary, and i'm scared how it's going to affect him. he's such an easy kid for most things, but completely taking him out of his own room, and away from his dad i know is going to affect him somehow. i don't know what else to do. i can't depend on matt anymore for anything, and i'm so miserable. hopefully living with my mom will only be a temporary situation, because i can't see myself living in a 2 bedroom townhouse with my mom, my brother, my aunt, and my 2 babies.

my plan is to move in with my mom. file for child support for zachary, and see if i can get anything from being pregnant too. i'm going to bust my ass with primerica, and try to save that money. then if i can guarantee myself a semi-steady income, i'll look into getting an apartment just for myself and my babies.

if matt can quit drinking and get lots of therapy and help, then maybe we can work it out and be together. but i can't force him to get help, it has to be something he chooses to do. if he wants me and our children, he'll do whatever it takes to keep us. i've already done more than i can to try and work things out with him and help him. now i have to choose my love for my children over my love for him, because they can't help the situation they've been put in, he can.

i'm just so scared. even with everything matt has put me through, i love him. i had his son, i'm pregnant with his daughter, i thought we'd get married and spend our lives together. i guess i'm just scared that he really doesn't give a shit about us, and by leaving i'm going to lose him forever. i know, that if he doesn't change, i don't need him anyways. but i'm scared. and what if i end up screwing up my kid's lives more than they would have been if i'd stayed? i always said i'd rather have my children come from a broken home than a miserable one. but look at me? my mom did everything she should and could have for me, and i still turned out pretty messed up. and it wasn't her fault at all, it's just something in me. what if, no matter what i do, zachary grows up to be like matt is? or hailey ends up going the same path with the same kind of guys as i did? just like any parent, i want my children to have a better life than i did, and make better choices.

i wish i just had a crystal ball to look in the future and make sure i am making the best decision for myself and my kids. that they will grow up with everything they want and need, physically and emotionally. that i can be with the man i love and that loves me and treats me right. and that everything will be okay...

lets see how this goes...

i just found out tonight that i CAN take tylenol pm to help me sleep. i hate taking pills for anything, but if it will help me sleep at this point i'm willing to do anything! i just took 2 and i'll call you in the morning...

just kidding. i'm super excited and nervous to hear about the house tomorrow! the owners have all of our paperwork, and they said they would make the decision and let us know tomorrow! i just want to KNOW! the anticipation is killing meee...

speaking of anticipation. i realized today that whenever i get really into cleaning and packing and moving stuff around, i have a few contractions. they're not horrible, but they don't go away unless i stop whatever i'm doing and lay/sit down for a while. i'm supposed to be on bed rest anyways, but i can't really just sit around all day with all the cleaning, packing and zachary to deal with! so i'm just scared now that with everything i'm trying to do that i'm not really supposed to be doing, i'm really going to go into preterm labor :-/ that would not be good. i want hailey to come out, but not before she's ready!

this really is all so frustrating. i've been throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so with all the stress and anxiety. but oh well. i'm knocked up and emotional as hell, what can i say?